what a freakin roller coaster!

If there were any news worthy of a blog post, This would be it.

I somehow psychoed myself into…well..quitting all smoking activities.
I know you’ve heard this before…but I really want to make this my last attempt.
The past few days were rather successful I should say. Limiting myself to two sticks instead of the daily 20 was progress I thought unachievable. Although I was a total bitch to all the people I love. Put everyone in a bad mood because of mine and cried a couple of times sebab sangap gile, the idea of me getting so close was more than thrilling..

Of course that feeling comes and goes. Soon I find myself despising the entire idea. Wondering what made me quit in the first place and hating my cranky self when I am without it. I start disconnecting myself with the man who was part of my realization. I start resenting him… for he caused me to turn into this monster. This nicotineless monster.

But then I see him being so supportive. All the people I care madly about. Not judging me for my weaknesses and helping me although I constantly fall.. Encouraging me and being so understanding despite all the tantrums I threw. I suddenly see why the idea is so worth it.

The next day, I wake up like all the other nicotine-less days, feeling sick and getting suicidal. Going to the toilet with no cigarette in hand. Thinking of food to curb the urge (and the broke times where i'd choose ciggarettes over food). Staring at all the pimples that magically appeared on my face…wondering if I was going to get fat now that I’ve stopped.

Salam picks me up. He casually asks me to help pack his new box of cigarettes. He claims he doesn’t know how. I struggle to keep back tears..” I know what I really want”. I chant to myself. He buys my usual marlboro’s. In that moment I hate him. And in that moment, I failed. I smoked and smoked and smoked.

And I am a loser. But this is not a lost cause. I might have failed with this cold turkey shit. But I will survive. I will survive!! Hey hey!

Magic eight ball is such a dick.

Me: will I quit this month
Outlook not so good.

Me: will I ever quit smoking
My reply is no.

How many times have I tried to defy the power of the magic eight. How many times have I fell flat on my ass in failure. Would it be stupid to still want to prove a toy wrong.

edited:

I’m going to quit!

well i kinda already have.

its been days now.
cold turkey.
I had to.
Too many failed attempts in the past

I know I can I know I can I know I can I know I can *chants*
Can I know Can I know Can I know?..eh salah chant.
I know I can I know I can I know I can.

Kawan-kawan ku yang disayangi,
Keluarga ku yang dihargai,
Saudara-saudara sealam yang dihormati,
This is a public announcement.
Slap me if i change my mind.
I might repay you with a fist but I assure you that it comes with love…
And tremendous gratitude.

For a limited amount of time only. Terms and conditions apply.